Friday, December 28, 2007

The Waiting

This is the worst I have been in a really long time. I did get the anti-depressants. I got out of a moving car to get them, I couldn't deal with the way my cat-sitter was talking to me. But I walked the rest of the way. A man said, "Baby you look cold," and I got them. And got home. And took them. I want to take sleeping pills to sleep through till this kicks in enough. This feels unbearable.

6 comments:

Merelyme said...

i am so glad you got them. i hope you get some sleep. this is going to pass. you are going to feel better soon...i am counting on it.

Aero Broken said...

+PHc - For what it's worth, it sounds like your going through one heck of a time on your journey in life. I have been in a position close to this state you sound.

I asked for your email address in a comment a few days ago not really reading much of your blog or seeing your current needs. I asked solely for your privacy only. I will keep you in my prayers for guidance and getting back to a comfortable point. I wouldn't normally give a crap but with being a long-term AIDS survivor and knowing what you may be feeling. I will try to offer some insight and support.

Truthfully it seems like you have support around but no one that can see your pain from within. You show this by the depth of your writing and the pain you express and make the reader feel. You do have the answers inside of you that will help you get through this.

You are not alone.

Godspeed, Aero

BTW: We have both seen so much horror with the span this disease has taken from us. Even other long-term survivors of 10 years haven't been through the times we have. I have yet to find a support group or system that offers this myself. I only seem to find within the gay population survivors of our time span. But with being straight I find it hard to always relate to the gay population. I even at times feel like the boy in the bubble and I have wonderful support. I offer a big virtual hug to you.

Enough for now.

+PHc said...

Merelyme,
I didn't sleep. I just lay there curled up by my cat for several hours and just felt slowly flooded with relief. Anyone who doesn't believe in pharmaceuticals as medicine, has no idea. It doesn't mean the rest isn't all in there too - the life stuff, or that that isn't what brings it on, but depression like that is paralizing physical illness - as you have seen. Thank you more than I can say for knowing that and being there.

Aero,
I tried to leave a message on your site today and it wouldn't let me without a password and my gmail and site passwords weren't accepted. What do I do? I just wanted to thank you for the entry ending about not wanting to get out of bed.

All I want to say in response to what you said right here is - you have no idea. Except that you do. I think that we are very different, but you are right that the words HIV and AIDS do not mean the same things to people who didn't live through what it was twenty years ago that will never go away. Thank you for showing up.

Aero Broken said...

+phc, Firstly - I just checked and was able to leave an anonymous comment on the posting you tried. It is working now. Not sure what the problem was when you tried.

Secondly - I do fully understand what your going through I have been there.

At one time I was taking over 3 dozen medications, many were anti-depression and the make it go away classes. I was so mixed up popping pills to hide the side-affects from other pills. I couldn't keep them or my life in balance. It was a long road back to where I am today. I only take my AIDS medications and everything else I gave to god to carry. I use nutrition for the rest and it multiplied my cd4's to around 800 from the upper 200's. While staying on the same AIDS medications. My doctors are shocked and can't believe it.

Those feelings never go away from the past just as I can't bring back my wife I lost to this virus we both share. But, I can let God, my higher power, mother earth, carry that pain so I can live my life clearer headed and enjoy it for what I have now. The first thing I do when I awake is thank god for breathing. And the rest he guide me as I am in a dream. I will be back online later. Need to get some dinner and time away from the computers and internet. May climb into a movie.

Keep your chin up your a survivor.

BTW: Your welcome, I don't even know why I was messing with my blogger profile and found your blog. I bet God does though.. :-)

*Sorry if it seems like I to over this comment box.

+PHc said...

Aero,
I'll comment on your site too, but I feel like you have been through where I have been, and that I have been through where you are, too. And that's not where I am now, but what you are dead on about is that I need the higher power of communion with +20 year survivors of any kind, but I do feel like supportive services for HUMAN needs (here anyway, which is a place with very specific demographics) are increasingly exclusive, and I am tired of being excluded by a rainbow flag, and exploitation of ideas of "diversity" and "human rights." People with AIDS (or HIV) ALL count. Not LGBT. There are more straight positive people - even here - than L,B,and T. It is not true that gay needs are so specially different from human needs, that they are the ones who need all the relationship, and community, support. You already have to have a community to have community support?

So yes, I got side-tracked, but I need connection to long-term (20+year) survivors, and they are harder and harder to find, and our lives, places in lives, are so out of synch in so many ways compared to how we used to be. But I'm very glad you contacted me.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

I'm glad you got them and I so hope they start to work soon (though I know from experience it sometimes takes a while).

Just try to take it one breath at a time.