Thursday, December 27, 2007

Attempt

Now I should be taking sleeping pills, but I'm up from the pharmacy trek. I thought about taking my camera, because I think I want to have it with me all the time. I prefer not having cameras on trips (although I cherish other's photos later) - so I'm not missing things by seeing through those eyes - but now, my life, my routines, that I'm so used to I don't see anymore, it's informative to see the pieces.

I decided not to take the camera tonight, because I was afraid I wasn't going to make it to the pharmacy on time (which closes at 5 or 5:30 because it's the Tenderloin and safer for everyone to close early), and I didn't want to be distracted although I knew I might want it on the way back. (I did.)

I got disoriented and went too far and had to work my way back. There are people you don't know if are high or sleeping or dead. I was thinking about how this summer when I house-sat for the little New Orleans Uptown bungalow house and cats, my cousin warned me that if I wanted to go to the French Quarter, I'd have to drive (which I'm not used to) because the St.Charles streetcar is still not operating, and taking city buses isn't safe.

I'm not street-smart, but I'm very good at being invisible. In Chinatown, in the financial district (with a little effort), Nob Hill, Union Square, the Castro, the Tenderloin....

The pharmacy lights were on but its screens drawn down. I wasn't frustrated, I just passed through the people hanging out in front of it since I was coming back from having gone too far and headed toward Market to go home that way.

On Market two cops (with uniform stealth, not urgency, exactly) ran toward and passed me with guns drawn straight down at their sides. I wasn't alarmed. They left no wake of adrenaline. But I did turn around after they passed me turning onto the corner of the street I had just come from. I was just curious about the protocol of running with guns. That's when I wished I had my camera, because there was time. They were running slow and steady like they knew exactly what they were doing and that whoever they were about to come upon didn't know it yet. There were no sirens, or police vehicles around that I saw. I hope that everyone is OK. I'm sad that it's business as usual. I've seen a cop put a hand on his gun, but I don't think I've ever seen them running with them.

I went to Starbucks and bought an eggnog latte, which I never do , but I wanted one yesterday for Christmas - well Christmas two days ago when everything was closed, screened down. I bought a piece of gingerbread and then gave all my money to a man sitting outside wanting some. I don't know how much it was.

There's more to this way home, but I took two Valium when I got back (which I'm not supposed to do - if I take more than one I'm supposed to space them by an hour) and I think I might be able to sleep which would be a good idea. Tomorrow is my day of the week I'm supposed to work for my cat-sitter's editor. We'll see. I'll be able to get there, but I don't know how prepared I can be.

There's so much more. I feel sedated. I do not feel soothed.

7 comments:

Greta Perry said...

Hello- safety in numbers!!!

Merelyme said...

hey are you okay? know that in some surreal cyberworld way i am here for you in a real way if that makes sense. please keep writing and connecting. i am listening.

+PHc said...

Greta,
Not safety in the numbers that hang outside that pharmacy after hours I went straight through! I get just numb to everything from depression, and I don't have anyone to call anymore who lives here - or energy to start over on finding that at the moment.

I don't think my therapist knew which pharmacy I go to when he made me promise to get there last night. My cat-sitter is in town today and is taking me over there to get the anti-depressants. He doesn't even like to park out front there to wait for me. (But then again, he hides his laptop when he leaves it in my apartment. That makes me feel safe.)

Internet safety-wise - yes. Besides you, I don't do email, and one guy on here says he just found this site - who has followed it for a long time according to the statmeter. Watching it was useful that way.

I'm a little better so far today. But not if it weren't for my cat-sitter.

Merelyme,
Real and surreal are the same thing and nothing makes much sense right now, but thank you very, very much. It matters.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

I hope you feel soothed soon.

(((HUGS)))

+PHc said...

Whimsy,
Thank you. Definitely hugs back.

Austin said...

You know how to make yourself invisible/invincible but to the eye looking for a victim you stand out clearly. That's all the finger wagging I'll toss your way on that one. :-)

One major theme in this entry here is doing things you don't usually do which seems to have started just before you left the house. I wonder what your thoughts are on the many things that happened that you don't do regularly.

I take my camera with me everywhere because it helps me see the world as it is without my personal issues altering it.

Austin

+PHc said...

Austin,
To have someone out there concerned enough to finger wagg at me feels good. Thank you.

I used to live on the safe side edge of that neighborhood for several years and have gone to that pharmacy years longer (but usually daytime). It's counterintuitive that it's the times I've felt aligned and aware and like I care that I'm noticed and harassed more, and even then, not as much as I would expect. (When I was anorexic, I definitely attracted more "Hey Baby I got what you need" drug offers.

But it's when I'm too depressed to be self-protective, or I'm taunting danger by actively not avoiding (not risk seeking - just walking right straight through it), or when I'm tired and disoriented - that people leave me alone or just say "Hey" and get a tired "Hey" back, like I'm a neighbor. - Not that neighbors aren't victims to each other. When I'm like that it's not that I don't know better, its that I just don't care - OR DON'T FEEL VALUED. (THANK YOU again for the finger wagging,) It mattered.

As for doing things out of sequence, I'm more disregulated in general across the board (evidenced by how much work it is to stay on a sleep cycle at all). - But, I don't know why I didn't bring my camera, I got the not-like-me eggnog latte and gingerbread to be good to myself - to sooth myself for feeling like I missed Christmas. As for giving all my money to the man outside asking for it, I do that a lot. I don't usually have much money on me. There is no way in this city to not have to say no or just pass by a lot more often than not. I only do it when something about it feels a certain way. With this particular man I think I was identifying with his not feeling valued.

Thank you for being attentive enough to what I wrote to notice that theme.

As far as taking cameras goes, a lot of things happen. It is a clarifying practice in that it does help see the world without personal issues interfering, but it can also do the opposite - it can let me know I really was someplace when I felt like a ghost.

I do feel invisible (not on this blog as of today, Dec. 30), but definitely not invincible. I have no idea how it could be that I'm still be alive.