Saturday, December 29, 2007

Going Out

One of my cousins who lives in Boston area is in town with her husband whose mother lives here. I see them here once a year and in Tennessee for family occasions. She wants to get together at 4:30 for lunch/dinner. I'm scared. I'm feeling better but I don't feel ready to be around someone, or even up to bathing for that matter. And I will be tempted to have a glass of wine if I go. One glass of wine should not hurt, and I've often gone through long periods of not keeping alcohol in my apartment, or having it here (as long as it's not wine) and not drinking it, or only drinking at dinner with other people. But I don't know how I am now, so I probably shouldn't. It's the first time I've been tempted though. Valium affects the same brain receptor and doesn't compromise immune function the way alcohol very much does, and I'm allowed up to four low-dose Valiums a day if they're spaced at least an hour apart, but I don't want to take them unless I'm really freaking.

It will probably be a good thing. To get out. To be with good family. Since this will be my only family for me (other than my cat) this Christmas/New Years. I'm really scared. The only things for the year I have to talk about are my work-trips to New Orleans (which are too intense and too much to start), my Southwest trip with my "friend" from Belgium (which is too painful right now for reason I'll disclose soon) work for my cat-sitter's publisher (which didn't happen yesterday), and my upcoming magazine article which I feel very vulnerable, although hopeful, about.

The magazine article is something I want to talk about here, because it feels so out of my hands at this point although the editor, in New York, is working with me very respectfully and conscientiously. I want to post here my own, cropped and altered photos from the raw photo shoot, since I have no choices about what photo (full page) they will choose to use or how, or how sensitive to it being relevant to the article they will be. I don't want to be a good "face of AIDS" with faded print. I want the photo to make you want to read what I have to say, even though I never would have said what I have to say there without it having originally being said behind the veil of this nameless, mostly faceless, blog. I don't know how I feel about my face being posted here, even if it is on my own terms.

I'm scared.

8 comments:

Sarah said...

I hope you're feeling well enough to enjoy dinner with your cousin and that alcohol isn't an issue, or that you can talk about it. ... Do you want to be anonymous in your blog, or do you want to post your photos there?

+PHc said...

I don't want to be able to be keyword-searched by an old neighbor, and I am ambivalent about wanting to be able to be keyword-searched by an old therapist. It's my name-search that matters. People can find my name relatively easily from information I've revealed here, but it doesn't work the other way around. If my name isn't on here anywhere, this site and all that's on it can't be looked up by someone looking specifically for me without a lot of effort, as far as I know. And the site isn't high-listed on the search engines.

I want to experiment with enhancing the photos to look as young as possible, and as old as possible.

Merelyme said...

oh hey...wow...a magazine article! this is good! i can understand how this can be scary. i treasure my privacy too. i write too and am out there...about to be published and...i can't even look at what i wrote yet because...it is my life. exposed. is this how it feels for you?

only post here what you feel safe showing. of course i would love to see your photo but...i am just being selfish. maybe you could just post it for a short time?

please tell us how it goes with family. it is so hard to get out and be with others and make conversation when you are feeling as you do.

i feel like i am commenting here too much or something...i just have grown to really care about you. i want you to be okay.

Merelyme said...

you do have the option of making your blog private to only people you want to see it. and...you can set it up so that the googlebots do not search for you. that is the one downer of blogger is that privacy is hard. there are other sites which offer more levels of privacy. xanga is one.

i hope your evening goes well. i am thinking of you.

Krishna said...

HI, I am sitting looking at the Ganga flow by feeling how hard it is for you now.Things eep changing whether we want them to or not...we have no option but to allow them what is their true nature and try to melt the harshness of the moment by taking care of ourselves the best we can
Love

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

I hope getting out did you some good.

The day I start looking at you as the "face of AIDS" is the day you start to look at me as the face of burn victims or mental illness.

We are much more than just our hardships.

+PHc said...

Thank you and bless you, Whimsy.

+PHc said...

Merelyme, Yes I've done articles in the past (way past) and not had difficulty at all working with editors on essays, but short stories about MY life - I had trouble with editors, so this time I was a little demanding from the start (they sought me out! and tracked me down, and I have to sign the contract saying that I will follow through with it, but they said it won't go to print until I'm comfortable with it no matter how much tweaking that might involve. I was amazed.

What are you about to publish, a book, article...? I don't know if "Merelyme" is your real name.

Yes I wanted to ask you about your pictures, which are beautiful and make me happy, and seem self-loving in a way that makes me feel softer toward myself. - But does it make you feel vulnerable? Do you get responses you don't want? And how do you keep pictures on the sidebar from being strangely distorted? And what is it about showing them is helpful to you?

No, you are not commenting too much. I need you. How's that for direct. And I love seeing you show up (usually before me, the same places I check in with.) (Bty, I have another site to highly recommend, but I don't know if it is too much. It is from a man with advanced ALS called Brainhell - brainhell.blogspot.com.

I'll stick with blogger for now - and I do like being accessible so far.

Thank you.

KD, will you please ebb and flow your true identity here as "KD" (or Krishna Das) but KD would be good for here. Just put it under nickname and hit the dot.

And thank you,and things are a little better. I didn't know what you were referring too exactly. I love seeing the Indian flag on m now-completely secret statmeter locator, but there aren't an more from Amsterdam - which is what I wanted but makes me sad too.

Thank you for checking in and commenting. It feels like you're floating around out there, not so far away.