One of my cousins who lives in Boston area is in town with her husband whose mother lives here. I see them here once a year and in Tennessee for family occasions. She wants to get together at 4:30 for lunch/dinner. I'm scared. I'm feeling better but I don't feel ready to be around someone, or even up to bathing for that matter. And I will be tempted to have a glass of wine if I go. One glass of wine should not hurt, and I've often gone through long periods of not keeping alcohol in my apartment, or having it here (as long as it's not wine) and not drinking it, or only drinking at dinner with other people. But I don't know how I am now, so I probably shouldn't. It's the first time I've been tempted though. Valium affects the same brain receptor and doesn't compromise immune function the way alcohol very much does, and I'm allowed up to four low-dose Valiums a day if they're spaced at least an hour apart, but I don't want to take them unless I'm really freaking.
It will probably be a good thing. To get out. To be with good family. Since this will be my only family for me (other than my cat) this Christmas/New Years. I'm really scared. The only things for the year I have to talk about are my work-trips to New Orleans (which are too intense and too much to start), my Southwest trip with my "friend" from Belgium (which is too painful right now for reason I'll disclose soon) work for my cat-sitter's publisher (which didn't happen yesterday), and my upcoming magazine article which I feel very vulnerable, although hopeful, about.
The magazine article is something I want to talk about here, because it feels so out of my hands at this point although the editor, in New York, is working with me very respectfully and conscientiously. I want to post here my own, cropped and altered photos from the raw photo shoot, since I have no choices about what photo (full page) they will choose to use or how, or how sensitive to it being relevant to the article they will be. I don't want to be a good "face of AIDS" with faded print. I want the photo to make you want to read what I have to say, even though I never would have said what I have to say there without it having originally being said behind the veil of this nameless, mostly faceless, blog. I don't know how I feel about my face being posted here, even if it is on my own terms.