Monday, December 31, 2007

Nightline

I'm still writing, clarifying the last post, "On Hold". I did call the HIV/AIDS suicide/crisis hotline (AIDS/HIV Nightline) last night (since my therapist and psychiatrist are obviously "on holiday") and the man I spoke with was not as helpful as the other two were when I've called before - except to say that nothing I think, or do, is going to change what has medically already happened or not transmission-wise.

And he also said that whatever other feelings I have about it don't mean that I can't still cherish the memory, too.

That doesn't mean I'm not cutting my hair short. There is no place open today (and my hair is not clean enough right now to go to someone) and I don't know if I have anything sharp enough, and I'm too tired to get out of bed.

I know I'm not the only one who feels cut off and I wish I could make my blog rounds wishing well for another year.

8 comments:

Aero Broken said...

I am not even going to attempt to completely read through your last 2 posts. I never went out tonight and I ended up getting on a roll and wrote over 20 pages in my book.

Then I turned around and ended up working on my blog, trying to release my mind so I could get a good rest. I ended up starting and finishing an article. Check it out if you want it might even make you smile or laugh. It's the one with Shrek Poo in the Title.

It's good seeing that you've revealed yourself to the world. I hope it wasn't just because I was pressuring you to softly. I still haven't come up with a nickname to call you. I know you are the +caretaker but that's a label not a name. I will ask if you approve of it when it comes to mind.

The picture you chose for your about me: your smiling in it. Thats always a good thing. I did notice a couple posts back that you were bent on cutting your hair shorter. Go for it. It will look wonderful on you and it is easier to care for. If I was closer I would offer to cut it for you. My hair was twice your length only 4 years ago before I decided I needed a change. And children with cancer were in need of hair to keep them warm for the winter. And if you follow fashion, guessing, shorter bobs are back and you'll fit right in.

I am off to make a sandwich, take my antivirals then shower and fall into bed. I noticed the title to your post but I know you will be fine so I will read it when I get up. I understand why your concerned, I lost my wife and we were being safe. But, I did infect her. I will share you should have known better though but you can't change the past move forward.... I will write you later today.

Peace Out - Aero

btw: Hope you didn't mind but I linked to your blog and Merelyme's. I saw you both had already linked to mine. That's cool... I like getting double teamed by to hot chicks. lol

Night ... I'll tell you good morning here Merelyme, since you'll be stopping in soon enough. I'm to tired to stop over at your blog. Staring at all my monitors for the past 10 hours is killing my eyes.... If this is garbled it's cause I can't see..

Merelyme said...

i do hope you are okay....

+PHc said...

Aero,
That's great you're writing a book, I didn't know that. And that you wrote over 20 paages it in one night.

The reason I chose the picture I chose is that it's the only one I altered enough to like that doesnt's show my braid. And because my cat shields me. And because I wish I were smiling. And I want life to be about happiness. That doesn't mean It's insincere, but I'm not smiling now.

It is true that shorter hair is easier to care for, and that caring for anything that seems should be simple is a problem when depressed.
nothing about cuting my hair woud make me fit in though. That's great that when you cut your hair you gave it to children who needed it.

I can't reveal my name. I was just trying to convey the significance of the initials to make it a little more meaningful, or personal to you. I'm sorry.

I am so sorry that you lost your wife, and I don't know anything about the circumstances of that transmission. But it is impossible for me to be peaceful with even you telling me I should have known better. I have spent the whole of my working life in AIDS education, speaking in schools, writing, media work, being in boards, testifying, and I have been "good" - mostly by being alone, as long as I have known, and to lecture me that I should have known better when I am writhing in guilt and fear, is mean.

Being human, all the comexity involved and being with the person I would out of all the people in the world I would have most wanted to have a child by, - as stupid an impossibility that would be too, his initiating it taking me completely off guard. None of those things are excuses but they are realities I was minimizing in all my life of prevention preaching. Would that it were as simple as it sounds. you try to forgive yourself for knowing better and being human at the same time, and you move forward when you can.

It's not cool with me at all to joke about being double teamed by two hot chicks. We're both discriminating about who we link to and linked to you out of respect.

Merelyme said...

having troubles with my blog right now...just wanted to let you know.

+PHc said...

Merelyme,
Both my therapist and psychiatrist at AiDS
Health Project who spend their lives working in prevention and the results of failure, expressed concern ( mostly that my getting pregnant is something to be avoided because of the medications I need). Neither of them lectured me. I wasn't sure what to expect response-wise, but I did not expect to be lectured to by a 23+ survivor, even if his track record is better than mine. I may have been naiive about a lot of things but lecturing down to people is not the way I ever worked in prevention.

Thanks for hoping I'm OK. I don't regret being honest in my writing.

I wrote you a Happy New Year comment as I was falling to sleep and when I woke up, it was still on the screen as if I hadn't hit send, so I don't know if you got it. But I'm wishing you a good new year.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

I know that when you are depressed you feel isolated and nothing anyone can say or do will change it. I just hope it goes away soon so that you can feel the fact that we are here for you and care.

Sarah said...

Your hair is yours to cut or not. You are beautiful any way you wear your hair.

+PHc said...

Whimsy,
Thank you.

Aero,
I'm sorry, and I know it's not about "track records." It's about lives, and your wife (and my boyfriend I got infected by) lost theirs.