I'm still writing, clarifying the last post, "On Hold". I did call the HIV/AIDS suicide/crisis hotline (AIDS/HIV Nightline) last night (since my therapist and psychiatrist are obviously "on holiday") and the man I spoke with was not as helpful as the other two were when I've called before - except to say that nothing I think, or do, is going to change what has medically already happened or not transmission-wise.
And he also said that whatever other feelings I have about it don't mean that I can't still cherish the memory, too.
That doesn't mean I'm not cutting my hair short. There is no place open today (and my hair is not clean enough right now to go to someone) and I don't know if I have anything sharp enough, and I'm too tired to get out of bed.
I know I'm not the only one who feels cut off and I wish I could make my blog rounds wishing well for another year.