Wednesday, December 26, 2007

The Day After Christmas


When I started this blog, I was intent on maintaining an ordered, cohesive collection of independent little units. I wanted each post to offer something in its own right. It would be alright to express negativity, as long as something good was offered in the way it would be expressed. I did want to share my story, but I did not want it to become a journal that required following.

I think my blog has become more of a diary, than I had intended. I try to make past references clear by linking them to their original posts. I'm not sure what this is becoming.

Today this post is like part of a diary I don't like. I don't know that it has anything of worth to offer, other than this picture of my old cat, who is the only thing, it has felt, the day has offered me. I am very depressed. Too depressed to get out of bed. Too depressed to have gone to the pharmacy to get my antidepressants, which I also missed yesterday. Too depressed to put on clothes and go to the little store two blocks away to get something to eat that I would want to eat. (I always keep emergency food in the apartment, that I don't like, but what I like I never store here so that I have to make myself take the two block walk every day. It's like having a dog. It makes me get out.)

On good days, I walk a lot. Almost everything and appointment is within walking range for a San Francisco hill walker. But I'm not that today.

I miss my family. I miss the little town in Tennessee where they are. I want to be there today. But I also know that, this time, it was the right decision not to go.

I wasn't up to seeing my newly pregnant cousin. It was too much. But I did talk to her on the phone yesterday, and we talked about her possibly coming out to visit, which would be good.

And my "friend" in Antwerp who I can come up with no pseudonym or category for, called ("phoned") twice - there was a bad connection, to wish me Merry Christmas, which was sweet. We acted like nothing was wrong - between us. It seems we are easily open about anything else. So maybe that is the way it will continue. We've discussed differences extensively, but never discussed difficulties between us before. But as far as I know there have never been any other than my sometimes worrying that there is when there isn't, which he has easily solaced.

But some things have changed. He has changed some things, and I don't understand why. And freedom I'm not sure I have, to write about what has changed and what I don't understand, would help me.

8 comments:

jim said...

hey, just stumbled upon your blog... nice words, i look forward to checking back.
happy christmas mate (sorry if that's wildly inappropriate considering your post's subject matter...).
x

Aero Broken said...

Hello, Couldn't locate how to email you so posting a comment.

I am also a Long-Term Survivor and maintain a blog @ "http://aerobroken.blogspot.com/".

Will stop back and read more.

Godspeed, Aero

Merelyme said...

hey hey now! i need to check up on you even when i am sick...i see i have missed much! listen! you are so very important. you get out of your apartment and go get the anti-depressants. if you have to be a robot to do it, do it. i do not want you to be suffering. come on...get up for me. okay?

Aero Broken said...

Hey +PHc, I don't need anti-depressants but if they help guide you to live a better life in the real world that's cool. BTW: I like the pic your cute. I look forward to reading more of your blog later. Shoot me an email if you ever want to talk. Peace Out- Aero

Kat said...

My friend, Greta, suggested that I drop by and check things out on your blog, and I'm glad I did. I understand about the "diary" direction dilemma; I've had the same pull on my blog, CatHouse Chat. I've decided just to go with it - it's not like *I've* got a huge readership anyway! ;-)

I think that, since this is YOUR place, you ought to write *what* you want and *how* you want. Yeah, it may not be all happyhappyjoyjoy, but lots of times those sort of posts help get my thoughts ordered and help me work things out. Often, they make me feel better.

I noticed your (current)most recent post, and I thought it was well written and very... I dunno, "evocative" might be the word I want, of what you were feeling as you walked to the Pharmacy and back. It made me think, it drew me in.

So, don't worry so much about what you "ought" to do here; just write what you want from the heart. Trust me, the right people WILL find it, and they WILL remember it.

BTW, love your purr! I have two - or, they have ME, LOL - who are terribly spoiled. Give yours some extra snuggles from a fellow cat lover, OK? ;-)

+PHc said...

Jim and Aero,
Hope you check back. Aero - I don't email, but will check out your blog, especially if it's more on the personal and less on the political side of survival. I'm a longtime San Franciscan survivor - I need a break - and long-term surviving people to talk to. I'm glad you don't need anti-depressants. I chickened out on the self-photo. We'll see - but thanks.

Kat! I love Greta.

Sarah said...

Looks like a fellow long-term survivor has found your blog. Good.

Kat said...

Greta is a lovely and loving lady. ;-)

And, yes, you did get my blog right! LOL