Wednesday, December 26, 2007
The Day After Christmas
When I started this blog, I was intent on maintaining an ordered, cohesive collection of independent little units. I wanted each post to offer something in its own right. It would be alright to express negativity, as long as something good was offered in the way it would be expressed. I did want to share my story, but I did not want it to become a journal that required following.
I think my blog has become more of a diary, than I had intended. I try to make past references clear by linking them to their original posts. I'm not sure what this is becoming.
Today this post is like part of a diary I don't like. I don't know that it has anything of worth to offer, other than this picture of my old cat, who is the only thing, it has felt, the day has offered me. I am very depressed. Too depressed to get out of bed. Too depressed to have gone to the pharmacy to get my antidepressants, which I also missed yesterday. Too depressed to put on clothes and go to the little store two blocks away to get something to eat that I would want to eat. (I always keep emergency food in the apartment, that I don't like, but what I like I never store here so that I have to make myself take the two block walk every day. It's like having a dog. It makes me get out.)
On good days, I walk a lot. Almost everything and appointment is within walking range for a San Francisco hill walker. But I'm not that today.
I miss my family. I miss the little town in Tennessee where they are. I want to be there today. But I also know that, this time, it was the right decision not to go.
I wasn't up to seeing my newly pregnant cousin. It was too much. But I did talk to her on the phone yesterday, and we talked about her possibly coming out to visit, which would be good.
And my "friend" in Antwerp who I can come up with no pseudonym or category for, called ("phoned") twice - there was a bad connection, to wish me Merry Christmas, which was sweet. We acted like nothing was wrong - between us. It seems we are easily open about anything else. So maybe that is the way it will continue. We've discussed differences extensively, but never discussed difficulties between us before. But as far as I know there have never been any other than my sometimes worrying that there is when there isn't, which he has easily solaced.
But some things have changed. He has changed some things, and I don't understand why. And freedom I'm not sure I have, to write about what has changed and what I don't understand, would help me.