Thursday, January 3, 2008


An email to me Dec. 31, from my "friend" in Antwerp:

hey sweet you

went to Trop Institute this morning,
saw great doctor, when I told
him about us sleeping together he had
real down to earth reaction, he would
get along with George
[my psychiatrist at AIDS Health Project],
I'm sure..

test results should be in on Fri or Mon,
will let you know when I know.

Hope you're doing ok after our phone
conversation.. it makes me sad to make
you sad..

much much love,


Sarah said...

It seems like a long time since the 31st. I hope he updates you soon and relieves your worries!

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Here's to a negative result.

I know the waiting must be killing you. (((HUGS)))

+PHc said...

Thank you. He seems complacent about the waiting that is killing me. He could have got same day results, but didn't think it necessary and just got the test in a panel of other tests required for his work before and after each mission.

Statistics are in his favor - but they were in mine too. So fear for him is mixed up with and distorted by my ancient traumatic results stress. Thank you very much for the well-wishing with me.

zach said...

Yeah I agree with whimsy, to a negative result.

Maybe try to take your mind of things? I know of results stress, although mine isn't as bad as yours, i think.

I can only give you an internet hug.

+PHc said...


Thank you. I have appointments I absolutely have to take care of on Friday and Monday that will put my mind on other things. In between, if I don't know the result over the weekend, I want to just curl up under this soft blanket with my cat and wait. If he's positive he is far away - and maybe going farther away soon - there is nothing I will be there to be able to do. So I don't know what that means will happen to me here knowing that.

But here's to a (probable)negative test.

I wish it felt that simple.

Thank you.

Merelyme said...

such a long time to this his personality to not worry so much? i do hope things turn out well. how are you holding up?

+PHc said...


He works as a relief coordinator for the Red Cross in high conflict zones around the world (next Afghanistan - counting on a negative test). He is used to conscious risk decision making, and to relaxed, pragmatic, behavior. To him, it is what it is already, without regret. Things will be as they will be.

We are not the same that way. If I didn't have the problems I have, I would want to do the work he does, except in disaster relief, rather than violent conflict. That's part of our attraction. When I was at my best, (when we met), and contributed the most in my life was when AIDS was terrifying, - and when this summer I worked (albeit only 20 days) for Episcopal Disaster Relief in New Orleans. (The Red Cross had training programs for two week stints right after Katrina, but I didn't pass their health screening to do anything.) I pull together in mass emergencies, just not my own. Just not my own anything, it seems right now.

Sarah said...

Hope your appointments went well. Much love.

+PHc said...

My first appointment - we had the worst wind/rain storm we've had here since I've lived here...bridges closed and damaged, trees down, newspaper stands in the street, high window downtown blown out down onto the street.. but I got to AHP, because I missed my appointment on the second which I really needed. (When I got home there were messages left that I missed saying too late that we could have had a phone appointment and reschedule if I didn't want to brave the weather.) But I made it there five minutes early and went to the restroomjust to dry off my face before my appointment, and there was a big bright sign on the restroom door saying that the women's room (which I've used for years to calm down after a hard appointment before braving the outside world) - was now for men, and that what was the men's room is now unisex. I went to the front desk and asked for paper, pen, and tape and wrote: "If you want unisex restrooms now, then have TWO of them," and slammed it on the door, and tore down their sign and went into George's office and through it in the trash can and yelled that it was not alright. And he told me he couldn't explain anything to me if I kept interrupting him, and asked if I wanted to to talk about the restrooms or my medications because we were running out of time, so we upped the Geodon again in smaller, more frequent doses that I can monitor by feel more.

The second appointment/"appearance", I got to the court/jail on time, went to the wrong room waited in line, got to someone, showed my papers and disability card and said calmly, "I payed my 50 cents and didn't get a transfer because I didn't know it was required as a fair receipt. She said, "You're in the wrong place," directed me to the right court room and said, "Do exactly what you just did," so I got there on time, was sworn in and called up to the judge (more private than my name-change case, which mattered because I was afraid of having to having to say anything about disability in front of everybody) and I said what I said in the first room the same way, and the judge said, "Did you show the officer this card?" and I said, "Yes. With my license," and he said "That's all I need," and dismissed my $475 case.

So now I'm shivering at home, waiting for enough time to go by to take another Valium.

Merelyme said...

i am not the calm relaxed type either. i worry about everything...even about not being worried enough! i too, often wonder what all i could have been if not for my mood issues. but i am what i am (popeye).

i sure hope you get an answer soon. i am sure you have been through both scenarios in your mind.

Phraw Tayre said...

Glad you were able to get what you needed done despite the circumstances.

Sounds like you all had a little too much wind. When it is not destructive, I love windy storms. Makes me calm when nature is not.

Sarah said...

Keep writing, dear one. It does you a world of good, and is important to the rest of us. Love.

Sarah said...
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