Saturday, January 5, 2008


Email to me from my "friend" in Antwerp today [see post "On Hold"]:

hey ____,

test came in negative.. that's a good thing.

hope you are doing well. am off to GVA for my afghanistan
briefing on Mon, prob won't leave until much later this month,
will try and catch u sometime later this week


My response to him:


I am so relieved the test is negative, although some worry will linger over the next months till you can know absolutely. Yes, "That's a good thing."

It was an unnecessarily hurtful mistake to tell me specifically who you are going to Afghanistan for when all is still so familiar and there was still the bleed-thorough of not even knowing yet how you are. I have never asked for any kind of obligation from you. And I have never been in denial that you have relationships I wish were possible for me to have in between times.

I have never expected to see you again any of the times you have left. Or even expected to hear from you. I have just been happy when you've shown up. Only you are the one who says, "Next time...." even to Bryce Canyon.

If you hadn't felt the need to let me know about her (_________?) and just said, "I'm going to Kabul," that would be disturbing enough in itself. But I'm used to that.

If we didn't speak specifically about relationships (as we haven't) - or speak or keep in touch at all for a year, and then you called suddenly and said, "I'm with someone... we're living together... we're having a child together... we're committed to each other....," I would be envious in the way that I am envious of anyone who has those things, and it would take some adjustment, but I would be able to be happy for you.

Waiting to tell me about _________ would have spared me this pain, and would have allowed me the dignity to be happy for you whatever the circumstances would or will turn out to be with whomever, whenever.

Don't try to "catch me sometime later this week." I don't want to talk to you.

If you're not going to be safe over the next five months, you have the obligation to tell her.

Love through it all, too,


susan said...

I just found your blog and it is most inspirational.

Keep blogging! And thank you.

Merelyme said... was negative. are you mostly relieved? angry about his relationship with another? sad that he is not in your world?

from your letter/ would seem you have a lot of conflicting emotions.

at this point in your life...what kind of relationship do you want to have with someone?

Polar Bear said...

You come off sounding the more mature one between the two. It sounds as though you've done your soul searching, and you know where you stand. That's a good thing.

Merelyme said...

hello there...hope you are doing well today.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

I am so glad that the test was negative and so sad that you have all this other crap with this man to deal with.

Sarah said...

Hello--I was relieved that the test was negative, though I knew that was the probable result. I thought it would relieve your mind, but maybe it has not. The past month has been so traumatizing--does it extinguish the beauty of your desert vacation with him and the joyful moments you shared?

Merelyme said...

hey there...was wondering if you could stop by my blog sometime. wrote a little something about depression and got a comment pretty much saying depressives are whiners and lacking in respect. i thought we in this blogging community might have something to say about that. :>)