Wednesday, January 9, 2008

"'Results' Results" Results

Re: last post: "'Results' Results"

Thank you for your feedback.

I will not ever post an email again. I would like to explain why I did - not as justification - I was wrong - but as explanation, but first I do want to make it clear that "my friend" knows my writing this way is profoundly therapeutic for me and he cares about me that way, and he said to me, as I said in earlier posts, "Write anything you want to write [anonymously] that would be helpful to you," and he promised to not read it for this one month so that he would be in no way inhibiting.

Why I posted the emails (his and mine), rather than discussed my personal reactions to the whole situation, was that I didn't know what my reaction was - past the profound relief he was HIV-negative. I had a lot of conflicting emotions about his casual-seeming reactions to testing (when that's just the way he is) and conflicting emotions about a lot of things about a part of my life that is rare and precious and gone. The closest confidant I have was traveling and out of contact, I have no one close here to talk to, my family members care, but are far away and busy with their lives and didn't get it how strongly I felt, and my therapist was unavailable.

I did not know how to respond to "my frend's" email, except in the way that I did in mine - which I didn't know was not wrong in itself. I did not know what to say about any of it and was completely overtaken by it all. And did something that wasn't alright. Just put it out there as it was for whatever that meant which I still don't understand.


13 comments:

Merelyme said...

i can't even imagine the grief and loss you must feel...you are losing your friend and the hope of a relationship with him.

i am just so sorry.

+PHc said...

Thank you, Merelyme.

+PHc said...

Merelyme, I looked for your email address on your site and didn't find it. All I wanted to ask you is why you have your comments set on moderate if you feel, like I do, that everyone has a right to speak - just to decide whether or not to reset mine.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

(((HUGS)))

Despite what you say I don't think you were wrong to post those emails.

You were frustrated, at a loss for words, and did have permission.

PS There will be an award for you at my place tomorrow.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

Hey do me a favor and hit me up via my email in my profile.

Blabber Keys said...

I just found your blog the other day. I haven't had time to really get to read through so I don't want to make a judgement. Generally I think it's ok to share emails if the sender is ok with it. I think there is a lot to be learned from your blog and your experiences. Thanks for sharing.

Merelyme said...

my email is on my profile...it can be found by clicking the link on my side panel which says...about me...i believe.

i like to do the comment moderation thing just for the simple fact that sometimes folk like to leave comments on past articles and...i would miss them then otherwise. also some comments are true spam and i don't use a spam filter because i find them so annoying. i also do moderate some because i don't want folk to get hurt. i do understand why you are asking this question and i could elaborate privately.

by the way...you look absolutely beautiful in this new photo!

Sarah said...

A gracious response. Bless you.

KD said...

You were absolutely right to post the emails...it is your blog to do as you wish and as you like and as you need. I feel your friend was very insensitive to your situation to be so blase(there's a word!) about how you would feel regarding the risks etc and what it is like to live with HIV for so long....and try to be intimate with someone. Knowing the situation a litle bit more intimately than most, I have to say I ha\ve found his behavior to be very self serving.
Also regarding those who would rather not see certain issues discussed on blogs...publicly but anonymously, you should not see yourself through their eyes and start to judge yourself and put yoruself down.It is their own problems that they are afraid of facing...no blame there, but to lash out at you for what is really their own need to hide for their stuff is more self centered bullshit.
Hope I'm not to blunt, but it pisses me off to see you hurt yourself jsut becasue they don't understand you.
Love

zach said...

I am so sorry.



I have nothing that I feel i can say, because of my inadequate experience in life due to the shorts years I have lived.

(hugs)

ROBERT BREINING said...

Especially ..this site is not a dating site this is a site for friends , dating, cruising and nudity is not permitted. I just this site and it is starting to grow. I have one woman member and would love more .. we don't discriminate like HIV. welcome one welcome all/
Robert

ROBERT BREINING said...

you can make up a name ..use your blogger name as your first name then use a letter as your last. it doesn't have to be a real last name .. you only use your username which could be your blog name .email me directly at robert@poziam.com

Jim said...

I found this blog through Whimsy and I must say, this is a very nice blog and I have added this for my future reads. :)

I was born deaf and diagnosed with MS among other health issues. I have ran into people (like you) who are worse than I am and I have GREAT respect for you all. My coping is nothing compare to yours. I want to say that I will encourage you to be strong. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation and I am sure you have learned much more than I have.

Anyway, I just wanted to say Hi and I am looking forward to your future blog postings. :)