Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Something is Wrong With Me Today.

I don't know how to describe what is wrong other than that it is ceaseless-seeming agitation. I can't stay in a room if someone's eating. I can't get away fast enough from the sound. I tried to distract myself with TV - probably shouldn't have tried the news, but I couldn't even hear the news for the irritations of the voices, so I worked all day on the last post, on my bio - which I want to finish and mail tomorrow evening in form appropriate to the person who asked for it. It doesn't have to be torture. My therapist, on the phone, asked if I thought the intense dysphoria was related to trying to sum up my HIV life for the bio, but I don't think so. This is more thorough.

I'll probably take this post down once the fog that has come upon me has gone its way, or evaporated, or retreated, or whatever it will do so that it doesn't chill me to breathe. I woke up this way. My whole body feels tightened with insignificant angers. I keep wanting to just start screaming - not yell at someone for something, just scream. Small, short, ineffectual bursts. Nothing like a good one.

I drank a couple glasses of wine three or four hours ago, which didn't do anything one way or another, and I took a Valium and an Ambien about one hour ago. I can't do this tomorrow. Tomorrow can't be like this. Even getting sleepy now there is nothing soothing about. My stomach is still knotted and my thoughts fiercely bickering. I have even less ability to try to come up with something to help. I don't want to go to sleep till I feel peace. Give up.

I was supposed to go to the pharmacy a half a week ago and have, as of tomorrow morning, run out of my reserves - the antidepressant which normally does offer relief a few minutes after taking. Maybe I can find misplaced ones. (I have plenty of extra antivirals I shouldn't have, because I should have taken them.)

I'm supposed to go to my therapist at 3:30 tomorrow. I'll go to the pharmacy then. Otherwise I...no that's not even true. I was going to say I'd want to stay in bed all day, but I kept trying to go back to it for comfort today to no avail. My cat can still pull sweet voices from my throat, though. I need to galvanize the capacity tomorrow to go to the store to buy clean litter for her, and to wash my New York visitor's clothes. And to wash my hair (which needs it) which I would do now, but the sound of drying it..., and it's too cold and it's too long, my hair, to let dry. How can normal tasks be this...this...this?

I'll probably change this post tomorrow - if I don't delete it. Or save it as draft. For what? I didn't want to use this blog this way. Negativity and venting are alright with me - if sublimated creatively or possibly helpfully. Not like this. Help, simplybeing? OK, I'm badtired. And the morning's not going to be good with the Valium tonight. Stop thinking. Just be. Bye

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