+Conversations in Time.: Uneasy Relief

Friday, December 28, 2007

Uneasy Relief

I wrote this almost word for word in a comment return, but: I took the medicine I've been out of and curled up in a ball, under a dirty blanket next to my cat for several hours and just felt slowly flooded with relief. Anyone who does not believe pharmaceuticals are medicine for some people, has no idea. It doesn't mean that the rest isn't all in there too - the life stuff, or that that isn't what brings it on - but depression like that is paralyzing physical illness. Past tragedies and present life experiences are still here to deal with for me now. Now that I can.

3 comments:

Synchronicity said...: whew...good. this is good. i know...it sucks to know that so much of depression is beyond our control...so damn biological. but it is...just like having any other kind of disease. anyways...i am really happy you found relief.; 8:29 AM
Anonymous said...: Blessed be the peace-makers. Blessed be the Wellbutrin-makers that bring peace in depression's paralyzing physical illness. Peace to you.; 4:09 PM
whimsical brainpan said...: I'm glad you feel that you can.

It can get so damn overwhelming sometimes can't it.; 11:16 PM

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My Medical History

I'm working on it, but some of the events of my history - at least some of the events of my HIV history - are listed in this entry. It's impossible to say whether my diagnosed mood disorder led to the risk behaviors that made me succeptable to HIV exposure so long ago - or whether the traumas leading to being diagnosed with, and living with AIDS present themselves in the diagnostic form of a mood disorder. Both problems (if they can be differentiated) are life threatening, and longterm, and I'm relieved to discover that writing freely here helps to alleviate the suffering of both, for me.

My Reasons For Writing Here

The longer I survive, the more I don't recover from the idea(s) that I am, and am not, dying from AIDS. One expression of that contradiction is that I feel driven to share my life and tell my stories to the children and grandchildren I won't be having. So I'm telling them here - more openly than would be possible otherwise - in form I hope will find some kind of connection to life in time.

I hope, regardless of reciprocation, that giving my experiences here can be healing or helpful, or company to someone else - or, at least, be distracting in a good way for whatever reasons.

Comments

Comments are invited, please. Anonymity included. I want to respond to all of them either in the comments boxes or on liked sites, but I have trouble keeping up with everything I do; sometimes it takes me a day or two - so please check back. (I also try to improve past posts and photos for when I have not been thinking or articulating clearly, or have not yet been up to saying what I want to say on a present day, so check back that way, too if you want. The whole thing of it is changing slowly.)

Cast of Characters

KD - lives in New York; traveling uncategorizable musician and friend; boyfriend of five years six years ago at a very different point in my life; almost daily phone support; power of attorney
Unidentified, infrequent, longterm, Belgian "FRIEND"; He works as a relief coordinator for the International Red Cross; has a new flat in Antwerp but travels as much as not at times, sometimes to areas of natural disaster (Pakistan earthquake), mostly to high conflict zones (Sudan, Nepal, Isreal, Chad/Darfur, Kabul...). I see him for an intense week or two, every year or two. Most of the photos in Return From the Desert are his, as well as the San Francisco skyline I used for the header of this blog.
SOPHIA ("So" to KD) - my fifteen-year-old cat with kdney disease; requires a lot of medical care; extremely strong bond
My "CAT-SITTER" - lives in Santa Rosa, California; also uncategorizable very-long-time-ago-ex-romantic friend, and most-local emotional support; ex-journalist, writer, horticulturalist, Berkeley Extension Instructor, blogger; offers me some work for bartar
(Other characters explained in text, or by context: FAMILY members - all faraway, FRIEND in DC, PSYCHIATRIST and THERAPIST at AIDS Health Project, DOCTOR at Ward 86 San Francisco General Hospital, NEIGHBORS, and LANDLORD)
Ghost of DALI (unexplained)

Goals and Wishes (listed here just to incite myself. You can skip this part.)

To finish my Bachelor's degree in anything - Update: disrupted again, for now - maybe a class
To be a summer counselor at Camp Sunburst for kids who have, or have lost an HIV+ family member, or who are HIV+ themselves
To find, or start a support group for longterm (20 year+) survivors of HIV - open to any kind, color, gender... of person who qualifies on the one basis of longterm survival - (Would love help or suggestions about that)
Tp participate in AIDS Health Project's open writing group next time it's open - (am on waiting list)
To access a copy of Takako Lloyd's 1996 TV Asahi documentary covering my friends and me living with AIDS then - Takako was living in Sydney, and working out of Tokyo. - (Would love surprise help with that; I'm afraid of asking)

My Current HIV and Psych Meds (in case the list makes anyone else feel better)

Norvir (antiretroviral)
Reyataz (antiretroviral)
Truvada (combo antiretroviral for Viread and Emtriva)
Gabapentin (anticonvulsant, also used for mood stabalization, and for neuropathy)
Geodon (antipsychotic, also used for mood stabilization)
Methylin (for concentration difficulties)
Wellbutrin (antidepressant)
Valium (as needed for panic or debilitating anxiety)
Ambien (sleep)
Sonata (in addition to Ambien, when Ambien is not enough to sleep)
Very good coffee and cheap wine in moderation - Update: no more wine allowed

+Conversations in Time.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Uneasy Relief

3 comments:

My Medical History

My Reasons For Writing Here

Comments

Cast of Characters

Archive

Past Posts I Hope You Read

Goals and Wishes (listed here just to incite myself. You can skip this part.)

HIV+ (2/08):

Blood Counts

My Current HIV and Psych Meds (in case the list makes anyone else feel better)

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Inclusive HIV Community Site

HIV & Mental Health Forums

Mental Health Blogs

Other Health Challenge and Wellbeing Blogs

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