The Mix

The significance of the following conversation requires critical explanation I didn't feel ready to write about up to now. The gist of it is that, in panic, I told both my psychiatrist and therapist at AIDS Health Project that when my romantic friend from Antwerp was visiting, we had unprotected sex for the first time for us, and the first time for me (except for once with a fiance) in 21 years. I don't know how I expected them to respond, all my legitimate working life being about AIDS awareness and prevention. Once it was verified, which they already knew, that he, my friend, already knew I was HIV+, and that he was risk-literate, my therapist focused, completely to my surprise, on the fact that he, my friend, was an adult and aware and making an informed risk - that the responsibility was not all mine. I didn't know how to process that; it was so counter to everything significant to my adult life. There was a tipping of scales I can't describe, both by the act(s) discussed, and by these two professionals' responses. That they were both more concerned with pregnancy risk than HIV transmission (for a number of reasons) I would never have expected. It was both vastly relieving, humanizing, feminizing, and confusing. I will write further about it here, in detail, tomorrow, when I am not so tired, and past my truly-importantly-regimented sleep schedule. These conversations with my psychiatrist and therapist happened over the last two weeks.

I saw my psychiatrist today - the first time I had seen him in person since my OD (the day my period started). Very difficult. Talking about all the contributing factors to my overdose, I mentioned that, although the overdosing was not intentional - I was just desperately trying to feel better, and not thinking clearly - that I had been depressed that my period started that day, Monday, (since he knowing my complex feelings about that, had expressed concern about pregnancy the week before); but I mentioned it in terms of hormonal influence, the wanting more medicine to relieve hormonal depression, not distress. He didn't "seem" to hear my comment and went on to other relevant questions about contributing factors. Quite a bit of time later I off-handedly mentioned it again in terms of hormones and depression.

He said, "seemingly"off-handedly, "Oh, I guess that got lost in the mix somewhere."

I said quietly, "Not to me."

He said turning away from his desk toward me, with full consciousness, "No. I don't believe that that was lost on you."