Attempt

Now I should be taking sleeping pills, but I'm up from the pharmacy trek. I thought about taking my camera, because I think I want to have it with me all the time. I prefer not having cameras on trips (although I cherish other's photos later) - so I'm not missing things by seeing through those eyes - but now, my life, my routines, that I'm so used to I don't see anymore, it's informative to see the pieces.

I decided not to take the camera tonight, because I was afraid I wasn't going to make it to the pharmacy on time (which closes at 5 or 5:30 because it's the Tenderloin and safer for everyone to close early), and I didn't want to be distracted although I knew I might want it on the way back. (I did.)

I got disoriented and went too far and had to work my way back. There are people you don't know if are high or sleeping or dead. I was thinking about how this summer when I house-sat for the little New Orleans Uptown bungalow house and cats, my cousin warned me that if I wanted to go to the French Quarter, I'd have to drive (which I'm not used to) because the St.Charles streetcar is still not operating, and taking city buses isn't safe.

I'm not street-smart, but I'm very good at being invisible. In Chinatown, in the financial district (with a little effort), Nob Hill, Union Square, the Castro, the Tenderloin....

The pharmacy lights were on but its screens drawn down. I wasn't frustrated, I just passed through the people hanging out in front of it since I was coming back from having gone too far and headed toward Market to go home that way.

On Market two cops (with uniform stealth, not urgency, exactly) ran toward and passed me with guns drawn straight down at their sides. I wasn't alarmed. They left no wake of adrenaline. But I did turn around after they passed me turning onto the corner of the street I had just come from. I was just curious about the protocol of running with guns. That's when I wished I had my camera, because there was time. They were running slow and steady like they knew exactly what they were doing and that whoever they were about to come upon didn't know it yet. There were no sirens, or police vehicles around that I saw. I hope that everyone is OK. I'm sad that it's business as usual. I've seen a cop put a hand on his gun, but I don't think I've ever seen them running with them.

I went to Starbucks and bought an eggnog latte, which I never do , but I wanted one yesterday for Christmas - well Christmas two days ago when everything was closed, screened down. I bought a piece of gingerbread and then gave all my money to a man sitting outside wanting some. I don't know how much it was.

There's more to this way home, but I took two Valium when I got back (which I'm not supposed to do - if I take more than one I'm supposed to space them by an hour) and I think I might be able to sleep which would be a good idea. Tomorrow is my day of the week I'm supposed to work for my cat-sitter's editor. We'll see. I'll be able to get there, but I don't know how prepared I can be.

There's so much more. I feel sedated. I do not feel soothed.