Some online dictionaries have separate definitions for the words "fray" and "frey", but the Pocket Oxford English Dictionary has many meanings for "fray," and there is no "frey."
According to the OED, "Fray" comes from Old French afrayer 'disturb.' It can mean: 1 (of a fabric, rope, or cord) unravel or become worn at the edge. 2 (of a persons nerves or temper) show the effects of strain. - Then there are other disruptions, collisions, and entanglements (as in deers' antlers), and, archaically, to make afraid, or scare off.
Last night, to scare off past years, I found the sharpest scissors I have and I went in the bathroom to look in the mirror for some reason (I couldn't see as I tried to cut my braid off). For some gris-gris reason I had to cut the braid off, since that is the way I always wear it. I couldn't unbind it first and then cut strand by strand with dull scissors, looking in the mirror a way I don't look to myself in the process. I had to have the whole braid in my hand.
I gnawed and gnawed as hard as I could with those scissors and now one third of my hair is frayed. I thought of the loss I feel now, of when last year, when I was psychotic [I will find at least one post reference for this (I am also working, with difficulty, at creating a filing or category system for all that I have written so post reference interjections won't be necessary)], I had to throw away my papers and diaries and keepsakes and give my grandparents' bed back to my mother, as part of some kind of exorcism. I at least had the wherewithal last night, the whenwithal, to know that I don't want to feel later about this, the ways I feel now about most of that. So I quit trying.
I've been hoping today, that in observance of the first day of the new year, I would unbind the braid and wash the strands, and re-braid, but I don't think that is going to happen, either. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow, so I will have to move in a way that will create momentum to get things like that done afterwards.
The milk hasn't soured yet so I haven't had to go out for my cafe au lait, and I found enough quarters here to do laundry without having to go out to a store to ask for some. I'm allowed here to use the laundry room in the basement until 10:30, so maybe I will go down there sometime in the hours left.
Essays, Stories, Photos, Comments by Someone Living With "Mental Illness," HIV, Good Care, and Homesickness (These are not the only things I write about.)
ABOUT WHO I AM:
+PHc
San Francisco
I'm 41. I've had HIV since I was 18 (1986). I live in San Francisco for the particular medical care I believe my survival depends upon. I'm far from family, never married, no children. I'm doing the best I can with more difficulty from mental health challenges (and isolation), than with physical health problems - other than from the medications for both. I work regularly for a writer in exchange for help as I need it - like car rides and cat sitting). And am working toward being involved in more volunteer work like I was in the past.
San Francisco
I'm 41. I've had HIV since I was 18 (1986). I live in San Francisco for the particular medical care I believe my survival depends upon. I'm far from family, never married, no children. I'm doing the best I can with more difficulty from mental health challenges (and isolation), than with physical health problems - other than from the medications for both. I work regularly for a writer in exchange for help as I need it - like car rides and cat sitting). And am working toward being involved in more volunteer work like I was in the past.
My Medical History
I'm working on it, but some of the events of my history - at least some of the events of my HIV history - are listed in this entry. It's impossible to say whether my diagnosed mood disorder led to the risk behaviors that made me succeptable to HIV exposure so long ago - or whether the traumas leading to being diagnosed with, and living with AIDS present themselves in the diagnostic form of a mood disorder. Both problems (if they can be differentiated) are life threatening, and longterm, and I'm relieved to discover that writing freely here helps to alleviate the suffering of both, for me.
MY REASONS FOR WRITING:
My Reasons For Writing Here
The longer I survive, the more I don't recover from the idea(s) that I am, and am not, dying from AIDS. One expression of that contradiction is that I feel driven to share my life and tell my stories to the children and grandchildren I won't be having. So I'm telling them here - more openly than would be possible otherwise - in form I hope will find some kind of connection to life in time.
I hope, regardless of reciprocation, that giving my experiences here can be healing or helpful, or company to someone else - or, at least, be distracting in a good way for whatever reasons.
I hope, regardless of reciprocation, that giving my experiences here can be healing or helpful, or company to someone else - or, at least, be distracting in a good way for whatever reasons.
Comments
Comments are invited, please. Anonymity included. I want to respond to all of them either in the comments boxes or on liked sites, but I have trouble keeping up with everything I do; sometimes it takes me a day or two - so please check back. (I also try to improve past posts and photos for when I have not been thinking or articulating clearly, or have not yet been up to saying what I want to say on a present day, so check back that way, too if you want. The whole thing of it is changing slowly.)
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CONTENT OF THIS BLOG:
Cast of Characters
- KD - lives in New York; traveling uncategorizable musician and friend; boyfriend of five years six years ago at a very different point in my life; almost daily phone support; power of attorney
- Unidentified, infrequent, longterm, Belgian "FRIEND"; He works as a relief coordinator for the International Red Cross; has a new flat in Antwerp but travels as much as not at times, sometimes to areas of natural disaster (Pakistan earthquake), mostly to high conflict zones (Sudan, Nepal, Isreal, Chad/Darfur, Kabul...). I see him for an intense week or two, every year or two. Most of the photos in Return From the Desert are his, as well as the San Francisco skyline I used for the header of this blog.
- SOPHIA ("So" to KD) - my fifteen-year-old cat with kdney disease; requires a lot of medical care; extremely strong bond
- My "CAT-SITTER" - lives in Santa Rosa, California; also uncategorizable very-long-time-ago-ex-romantic friend, and most-local emotional support; ex-journalist, writer, horticulturalist, Berkeley Extension Instructor, blogger; offers me some work for bartar
- (Other characters explained in text, or by context: FAMILY members - all faraway, FRIEND in DC, PSYCHIATRIST and THERAPIST at AIDS Health Project, DOCTOR at Ward 86 San Francisco General Hospital, NEIGHBORS, and LANDLORD)
- Ghost of DALI (unexplained)
Archive
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2008
(27)
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▼
January
(18)
- Minutes - edited for clarity, with relevant addend...
- Application
- Rainbow Wishes
- 12 Days Left of My Own Mistimed Lent
- Kiss My King Cake
- Geodon and Insomnia
- Work
- Telling Then
- The Telling Now
- Breaking the Shameless Lions' Rules
- The Shameless Lions Writers Circle
- New Confidentiality Question
- "'Results' Results" Results
- "Results" Results
- Gallo's Humor
- Results
- Tested
- Frayed
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▼
January
(18)
Past Posts I Hope You Read
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SOME PRESENT LIFE, PSYCH AND PHYSICAL SITUATIONS:
Goals and Wishes (listed here just to incite myself. You can skip this part.)
- To finish my Bachelor's degree in anything - Update: disrupted again, for now - maybe a class
- To be a summer counselor at Camp Sunburst for kids who have, or have lost an HIV+ family member, or who are HIV+ themselves
- To find, or start a support group for longterm (20 year+) survivors of HIV - open to any kind, color, gender... of person who qualifies on the one basis of longterm survival - (Would love help or suggestions about that)
- Tp participate in AIDS Health Project's open writing group next time it's open - (am on waiting list)
- To access a copy of Takako Lloyd's 1996 TV Asahi documentary covering my friends and me living with AIDS then - Takako was living in Sydney, and working out of Tokyo. - (Would love surprise help with that; I'm afraid of asking)
HIV+ (2/08):
- 22 years
Blood Counts
- (1/08) T-cells: 460; viral load:undetectable
- (9/07) T-cells: 449; viral load: unknown
- (6/07) T-cells: 364; viral load: undetectable
- (7/97) T-cells: 0 (- which technically means: low enough that there is none in sample vial to detect - not none in your body. You can not live without T-cells.); viral load: through the roof, but undetectable only because technology did not yet exist to measure it.
My Current HIV and Psych Meds (in case the list makes anyone else feel better)
- Norvir (antiretroviral)
- Reyataz (antiretroviral)
- Truvada (combo antiretroviral for Viread and Emtriva)
- Gabapentin (anticonvulsant, also used for mood stabalization, and for neuropathy)
- Geodon (antipsychotic, also used for mood stabilization)
- Methylin (for concentration difficulties)
- Wellbutrin (antidepressant)
- Valium (as needed for panic or debilitating anxiety)
- Ambien (sleep)
- Sonata (in addition to Ambien, when Ambien is not enough to sleep)
- Very good coffee and cheap wine in moderation - Update: no more wine allowed
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BLOGROLLS, FORUMS, AND SITES:
HIV/AIDS Blogs
Inclusive HIV Community Site
HIV & Mental Health Forums
Mental Health Blogs
Other Health Challenge and Wellbeing Blogs
Writing & Photography Blogs
Blogs from New Orleans
Friend Blogger and Blogger Friends
Random Blog & Site Mix
QUOTES AND POEMS THAT MATTER TO ME:
"To look life in the face...always to look life in the face. To know it for what it is. To love it for what it is. And, then, to put it away."
- Virginia Woolf in The Hours
- Virginia Woolf in The Hours
"It's not that the DNA in a virus wants to get itself copied. It is just that, of all ways in which DNA could be arranged, only the arrangements that spell out the instructions 'Spread me,' spread. The world becomes full of such programs....they're here because there here because there here."
- Richard Dawkins
- Richard Dawkins
Untitled Here
It's a strange courage
you give me ancient star:
Shine alone in the sunrise
toward which you lend no part.
- William Carlos Williams
you give me ancient star:
Shine alone in the sunrise
toward which you lend no part.
- William Carlos Williams
I(A
I(a
le
af
fa
ll
s)
l
one
liness
- ee cummings
le
af
fa
ll
s)
l
one
liness
- ee cummings
FAVORITE EPITAPH (from a cemetery in England when I was 14):
ENOUGH
ENOUGH
May you live with ease of heart. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be peaceful. May you not be lonely.
10 comments:
The times I cut my hair were times when I felt very powerless and afraid. I cut it to shock myself back to a more powerful state. I cut it to look like a boy and make myself look like less of a target to those who might be looking for a female target. Usually when I did it it was impulsive, out of anger and fear.
I've seen a lot of cause for anxiety and fear in your last few posts, especially the one where you sold an article about yourself. Good may come from it but there's still anxiety surrounding it.
I think you considering your future feelings is a good sign of being grounded enough. Not grounded but grounded enough to listen to reason and your red flags. Thinking to yourself, " I don't want to feel like I did when..." is a good thing. It means you were not so lost in the moment and in emotion that you were totally beyond reason. Even the slightest bit of reality, grounded-ness and foresight is to be accepted as victory.
Austin
Austin,
"Foresight" is the word I couldn't find/remember when I said"whenwithal!" I kept trying to find that word. Yes I don't usually have that in those states - definitely anxiety and fear. The magazine itself won't come out till Spring, but some anxiety will be relieved when the work deadlines on it will be past. Then it's out of my hands. Then just powerlessness, and hope about what they'll do with it, but I really want what I had to say in it to be heard.
Kind of like my "friend" being HIV tested. It's totally out of my hands what will happen and how. And then I will be told.
Cutting hair like that is about guilt too. Cutting myself is about wanting to see something heal, but cutting off hair is about cutting off something about me or something I've done.
This is more about cutting off something about me, the mental and physical problems that I feel like keep me from living a life that I feel like I should be able to live.
And when I feel what it is that I'm left out of, those things hurt too much.
Thank you for really reading into what I try to say.
Have a good night.
+PHc
I hope your hair has survived and your sense of whenwithal, which is a great word, surfaced in time. I hope George will be able to help you get calmer when you see him.
Love
I just wanted to wish you a happy new year.
Cutting hair is a good symbolic way of letting things go.
just wanted to let you know that i am thinking of you. i can understand how the cutting was a release and for wanting something tangible to hold. you are going to survive this.
I'm glad you had the whenwithal to quit trying, and the grace to look ahead to what the feelings would be. In AA they tell a person verging on relapse to "think beyond the drink." I think you did that, when you were able to stop attempting to cut your braid. I am thinking of you.
Happy new year.
I don't know what to say but, I sincerely wish the best for you.
Thank you.
I have just begun reading your blog over the past couple days and wanted to send you a hug and heartfelt wishes for a stronger '08.
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